Satire Sunday: The Comment Section

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News Headline: More States Seek to Improve Anti-Cruelty Laws

By FauX Press

States legislatures across the country are upping the anti on anti-cruelty and puppy mill bills. But opposition is pushing back.

Homer Pupmueller of the Association of Mass-Production Breeders of American and Them Other Countries (AMPBATOC) told FauX Press – “We don’t need no more of them thar regarlations. Our dogs love livin’ in cages and the feces kinda pads the bottom, where the wire is.

“Who ever heard of lettin’ dogs run around to play. That ain’t their job. God created dogs to be cash-makers for people. And them animal doctors are just part of the plot of socialize our dogs. Keep dog socialism out of our country.”

Kay Niner of the Humans for Compassion for Animals Network responded to Pupmueller’s comments.

“One of our key missions is to educate the public on the topic of animal welfare,” Niner said. “But we do realized that while you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks, educating a dumb fart is next to impossible. It’s an old saying, but one that has never been more factual.”

FauX Press Comment Section (FauX Press does not review comments. We tried it years ago and the laughter hurt our stomachs.)

9:01 a.m.: “Man o’ boy. That Pupmueller is one of the bestest breeders in the country. He knows animals was put here for us to use up as fast as we can.” – posted by Duuh Dimmer.

9:04 a.m.: “We got enough laws. Ever time there’s news about somebody gettin’ killed or somethin’, all these extremist start saying we need to put people in jail for it. If you don’t like crime, lock yourself in your house.” – Nutty Bar.

9:30 a.m.: “As long as the puppy mill is makin’ a profit, who cares.” – Duuh Dimmer.

9:35 a.m.: “Okay, now I get it. I know why some politicians keep getting elected.” – The Voice of Reason.

9:40 a.m.: “Whatever you say bounces off-a me and sticks to you.” – Duuh Dimmer.

9:42 a.m.: “Hello. Is anyone home inside your skull?” – Reason.