Satire Saturday: Big Oil CEO says “Frack This”

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Because blogging about serious topics such as animal cruelty cases, greyhound racing, dog fighting and puppy mills can be all too serious at times, we will meet here on the weekends for Satire Saturdays (and sometimes Sundays). On occasion, we could all use a little lighthearted relief.

Headline: Big Oil CEO defends oil spills

The Story: Oily Wellian, the CEO of Big, Rig & Gig Oil Company stepped before the microphones for a Saturday-afternoon press conference, to defend the proposed Keystone Pipeline and drilling onshore, offshore and anywhere there’s bare spot on the Earth’s surface.

In front of a huge sign with the company slogan, “Where There’s a Drill, Get Out of the Way,” Wellian opened the proceedings with a strong statement.

“Oil is natural and it’s clean and it has gotten a bad wrap for far too long,” Wellian said. “Hell, I shower in 10W-40 three times a weak.”

It didn’t take long for the subject of natural gas fracking to gush from a reporter’s mouth, in particular the health hazards of fracking chemicals.

“Our studies have indicated that fracking fluid is actually great for reducing cholesterol,”  Wellian said. “And do you have heartburn? Well, why not fight fire with fire – by downing a flask of fracking fluid before having a smoke.”

A CNMSNFX reporter quickly broke in to challenge Wellian’s claims, asking, “Would you suggest from your opening statement that the Gulf Oil Spill was good for the skin of the animals trapped in the muck? You couldn’t be that uncaring of the animals, could you?”

“I can be as uncaring as the best of them,” Wellian shot back. “But trying to use flattery won’t change how I feel about you media types.

“To answer your question, yes – and we’re trying to get some of the major human cosmetic companies and canine product manufacturers to distribute our skin-care line. One I’m really excited about is X-On Hair Conditioner.”

The press conference ended abruptly when ice crystals began to form on the floor of the auditorium, seconds after Wellian shouted, “I’ll admit oil spills are bad for wildlife and humans when Hell freezes over.”